"Denied."

Is it right for me to feel wrong that I am the one asking him out all the time, given that I am the girlfriend? I have to admit I still have a conservative take with regards to gender equality (or inequality rather). I somehow feel that I shouldn't be the one who is constantly doing all the asking out, let alone being rejected time and time again.

It happened again today. All I really want is for some company, and I miss him so badly. And I have already opened my mouth and asked him nicely. He asked me for an explanation. If he needs an explanation to convince him and validate that what I'm asking is a need and not a want, then I guess I don't want this meet up anymore.

I really need to learn to not be the one who's constantly doing the asking, much as I would love to meet up. And I guess I have lost the energy to do it anymore. Once bitten, twice shy.

And when I knew he really isn't coming anymore, I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I would be. Maybe I've become used to it. Maybe, just maybe.

"When I'm With Him."

I have been thinking a lot for the past few weeks.

We were supposed to break up on happy terms after placements end. And around two weeks ago, I told him I don't have the courage to do it, despite me being the one who requested for this. And he said he needs time to think about things. And I said fine.

But what he said a week ago left me torn inside. He told me he's constantly living in fear of making me upset, and he feels that this relationship is a test, and the judgment as to whether he passes or fails come from me. And he is constantly worrying because he never knows when judgement day is going to come. He even had to ask me if it's alright if he wants to spend as much time with his family as me, because he feels it isn't fair to his family.

I really don't know what I have been doing for the past one and half year. I don't know what I have done as a girlfriend, and I don't know what I have done for him. Maybe it's because I haven't done anything. True, he has made mistakes, but now that I look back, I certainly do not have a right to make him feel as though this relationship is a test for him. Because it is my fault as much his. I caused him to make whatever mistakes he made. And I have never respected him, never trusted him, never supported him as a girlfriend. All that I have done is to control him and make his life revolve around mine, and make it suck so much, so he's left with nothing but me.

Sigh.

I told him he doesn't need to think about things anymore, but I didn't tell him why. And I don't intend to. Because he will deny all of that just to make me feel better.

I would like very much to be able to trust him, and I would like very much to trust him again. But I guess he's jaded. And the thing to do now is to let him go no matter how badly it hurts me. Because he is happier when he's free. He was a happier person when he had a life other than me, before I came into his life and crushed it. He will be happier this way.

And I guess, knowing that he will be happy gives me strength.

"Regrets."

I believe I never had one before, I never had any regret. But now, I know what a horrible feeling it is. To have regrets.

The relationship is ending. And I wish, I wish I can just turn back time. Turn back time and treat him a little nicer, be a little more accommodating, be a little more understanding, be a little more caring, be a little more gentle and careful with him, be a little more with him, for him. I wish I was a better girlfriend. I have been so horrible to him, calling him the meanest names I ever said to anyone, scolding him without sparing any thought for his feelings, and I just wish I can erase all the hurt I have inflicted upon him. I just wish I can turn back time, to be a better girlfriend. or to ask for more time to make things right.

But it's too late to ask for more time. Everybody's going to always want a little more time. And it's selfish for me to ask for more time from him just so I can feel better, at the expense of his happiness.

I just wished I treated him right... I'm sorry.

We are always going to just want a little longer.

"Come In With The Rain"

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

I've watched you so long
Screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there
anymore..

"It Stops Today"

We had a huge fight. I mean, there have been worse fights, but this was more upsetting because it involved another girl.

To be honest, I really do not like the girl the least bit. I personally feel she's a fake who is an angel to everyone in front of people - like when she is in public, but she targets specific people who can't fend for themselves, and she lets her mask cracks in front of them only. She says really mean things to them, knowing that they will not say it to others because she's somewhat "superior" to them, and knowing that whatever they say will just stay among their own clique. She's extremely nice to people who are louder and more popular. The whole world is fooled by her smile and sickeningly sweet voice. And she's frequently hanging out with her guy friends alone who are all attached.

What angers me most is that nobody can see who she truly is; they believe that I'm the meaner and imperfect one, and I can never be better than her. Because I'm not prettier, I'm not smarter, I'm not nicer, or sweeter, or more feminine. They think that I'm the one who took him away from her; he was supposed to be hers. I have never done anything to her, and she constantly glares at me in the most subtle - and despicable - way, when she knows nobody else notices it except for me, because it's meant for me only. She's always nice to me when he's around. But she barely acknowledges my presence when there's nobody else there. Her strong dislike for me is apparent, to me only. Not to him. He never believed me. Because he feels that she wouldn't dislike me for no reason.

It was only after he started seeing through her did he feel that maybe, you know, there was some truth to what I said, only he hadn't seen anything concrete yet. I told him he will never be able to see it as long as he's around, because she's not that dumb to show her dislike for me in front of him! Furthermore he said that he can't believe something that he has never experienced for himself. But recently he has come to agree with me that she is not who she really is, and he believe she does glare at me, and does mean things to people. But he still doesn't think she's mean, or fake, or dislike me. This was really upsetting because it felt as though he wasn't on my side; it felt as though the two of them were ganging up with each other against me. After all, he was interested in her before. But he said he just doesn't want to take sides.

Come on, which boyfriend doesn't take your girlfriend's side when you girlfriend is obviously being picked on for no apparent reason and she's so upset and frustrated about it?And you still say you need to see concrete evidence, and even then, you won't judge her character, because you're not supposed to be judgemental? Which boyfriend doesn't make the girlfriend feel better by comforting her and telling her that no matter what, the girlfriend is better than that other girl in ways that aren't superficial? And there really is questionable doubt about the other girl's character?

He went to ask her about how she feels towards me. And of course I was right. She said what she feels towards me is resentment because I took her good friend, but now she's just focusing on studies and trying to treat me nicer. What the fuck. Seriously? Who in their right mind will feel RESENTMENT when the good friend is "taken away" (this is not even anywhere near to being half true by the way)? I thought it'll be hurt and disappointment that the friendship they shared wasn't as strong as she thought it would be. I think in this case, it should be, she thought the friendship they shared isn't what she thought it would be. A good friend being taken away hardly warrants feelings of resentment! Goodness gracious. Plus, she's in no position to use "taken away" because nobody belongs to her. And if she genuinely considers him a good friend, shouldn't she feel happy for him that he found his soul mate, instead of being selfish and immature about it and feel resentment towards the girlfriend? I'm not even the first girlfriend who dislikes her. If other girlfriends of her guy friends feel the same way about her as me, doesn't it show that there is something majorly wrong with her, and not us?

Somebody save me from this mess, I need to get away from all this cauldron of boiling anger within me.

My brother says that the fact that he is together with me now, and chose me over, or not over (because I do not and cannot be compared with her) her shows that I have won. I guess what he says is true. I need to be more appreciative of the relationship we have now, and cherish it. I refuse to let some other subject spoil it for me, for us. I guess what I ultimately wanted from him was an affirmation that I really am better than her, and he is together with me through this no matter what, whether he calls her names or doesn't stand on my side and whatnot. But he never said that until I explained things to him, that it was what I wanted, to hear all these from him. He can be so dense sometimes, but he's cute no matter what.

We've made up now, and everything's fine. I have decided to try and forgive her and her pettiness, because I feel good for having who I wanted, and to relieve myself of all these negativity. We almost had a quarrel about trying to forgive, and genuinely forgiving her. Apparently trying to forgive someone doesn't come from the heart. But I rebutted, saying that it takes effort for me to even think about it, and to even bother at an attempt at it, given the fact I am hardly in the wrong, and she hated on me like I murdered her boyfriend. All's fine now. I'm trying to make my obsession with her stop today. She shall be out of my life. Today.

I need to believe he loves me, and only me.