"Regrets."

I believe I never had one before, I never had any regret. But now, I know what a horrible feeling it is. To have regrets.

The relationship is ending. And I wish, I wish I can just turn back time. Turn back time and treat him a little nicer, be a little more accommodating, be a little more understanding, be a little more caring, be a little more gentle and careful with him, be a little more with him, for him. I wish I was a better girlfriend. I have been so horrible to him, calling him the meanest names I ever said to anyone, scolding him without sparing any thought for his feelings, and I just wish I can erase all the hurt I have inflicted upon him. I just wish I can turn back time, to be a better girlfriend. or to ask for more time to make things right.

But it's too late to ask for more time. Everybody's going to always want a little more time. And it's selfish for me to ask for more time from him just so I can feel better, at the expense of his happiness.

I just wished I treated him right... I'm sorry.

We are always going to just want a little longer.

"Come In With The Rain"

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

I've watched you so long
Screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there
anymore..

"It Stops Today"

We had a huge fight. I mean, there have been worse fights, but this was more upsetting because it involved another girl.

To be honest, I really do not like the girl the least bit. I personally feel she's a fake who is an angel to everyone in front of people - like when she is in public, but she targets specific people who can't fend for themselves, and she lets her mask cracks in front of them only. She says really mean things to them, knowing that they will not say it to others because she's somewhat "superior" to them, and knowing that whatever they say will just stay among their own clique. She's extremely nice to people who are louder and more popular. The whole world is fooled by her smile and sickeningly sweet voice. And she's frequently hanging out with her guy friends alone who are all attached.

What angers me most is that nobody can see who she truly is; they believe that I'm the meaner and imperfect one, and I can never be better than her. Because I'm not prettier, I'm not smarter, I'm not nicer, or sweeter, or more feminine. They think that I'm the one who took him away from her; he was supposed to be hers. I have never done anything to her, and she constantly glares at me in the most subtle - and despicable - way, when she knows nobody else notices it except for me, because it's meant for me only. She's always nice to me when he's around. But she barely acknowledges my presence when there's nobody else there. Her strong dislike for me is apparent, to me only. Not to him. He never believed me. Because he feels that she wouldn't dislike me for no reason.

It was only after he started seeing through her did he feel that maybe, you know, there was some truth to what I said, only he hadn't seen anything concrete yet. I told him he will never be able to see it as long as he's around, because she's not that dumb to show her dislike for me in front of him! Furthermore he said that he can't believe something that he has never experienced for himself. But recently he has come to agree with me that she is not who she really is, and he believe she does glare at me, and does mean things to people. But he still doesn't think she's mean, or fake, or dislike me. This was really upsetting because it felt as though he wasn't on my side; it felt as though the two of them were ganging up with each other against me. After all, he was interested in her before. But he said he just doesn't want to take sides.

Come on, which boyfriend doesn't take your girlfriend's side when you girlfriend is obviously being picked on for no apparent reason and she's so upset and frustrated about it?And you still say you need to see concrete evidence, and even then, you won't judge her character, because you're not supposed to be judgemental? Which boyfriend doesn't make the girlfriend feel better by comforting her and telling her that no matter what, the girlfriend is better than that other girl in ways that aren't superficial? And there really is questionable doubt about the other girl's character?

He went to ask her about how she feels towards me. And of course I was right. She said what she feels towards me is resentment because I took her good friend, but now she's just focusing on studies and trying to treat me nicer. What the fuck. Seriously? Who in their right mind will feel RESENTMENT when the good friend is "taken away" (this is not even anywhere near to being half true by the way)? I thought it'll be hurt and disappointment that the friendship they shared wasn't as strong as she thought it would be. I think in this case, it should be, she thought the friendship they shared isn't what she thought it would be. A good friend being taken away hardly warrants feelings of resentment! Goodness gracious. Plus, she's in no position to use "taken away" because nobody belongs to her. And if she genuinely considers him a good friend, shouldn't she feel happy for him that he found his soul mate, instead of being selfish and immature about it and feel resentment towards the girlfriend? I'm not even the first girlfriend who dislikes her. If other girlfriends of her guy friends feel the same way about her as me, doesn't it show that there is something majorly wrong with her, and not us?

Somebody save me from this mess, I need to get away from all this cauldron of boiling anger within me.

My brother says that the fact that he is together with me now, and chose me over, or not over (because I do not and cannot be compared with her) her shows that I have won. I guess what he says is true. I need to be more appreciative of the relationship we have now, and cherish it. I refuse to let some other subject spoil it for me, for us. I guess what I ultimately wanted from him was an affirmation that I really am better than her, and he is together with me through this no matter what, whether he calls her names or doesn't stand on my side and whatnot. But he never said that until I explained things to him, that it was what I wanted, to hear all these from him. He can be so dense sometimes, but he's cute no matter what.

We've made up now, and everything's fine. I have decided to try and forgive her and her pettiness, because I feel good for having who I wanted, and to relieve myself of all these negativity. We almost had a quarrel about trying to forgive, and genuinely forgiving her. Apparently trying to forgive someone doesn't come from the heart. But I rebutted, saying that it takes effort for me to even think about it, and to even bother at an attempt at it, given the fact I am hardly in the wrong, and she hated on me like I murdered her boyfriend. All's fine now. I'm trying to make my obsession with her stop today. She shall be out of my life. Today.

I need to believe he loves me, and only me.

"Raise Your Glass"

Hi, I have decided to come back to my private (ok, not-so-private) channel to blog again. I realised it's healthier for me to be able to pen my thoughts down instead of keeping them pent up and juggled up in my head, making me preoccupied with unhealthy thoughts. Well, it's ten days late, but for the new year, I have decided to come back! I've missed xanga.

I haven't got around to writing down my new year resolution for 2012. Writing them down makes me feel as though I'm making sure I do it, leaving me no chance to back out or make up excuses for myself if I'm not able to achieve them. Anyhow, here goes my new year resolution:
1. Be more polite and patient to my parents, especially my mom, and always say thank you to them. I must spend more quality time with them.
2. I must take the initiative to keep in touch more with my friends, especially my closer and best friend. Meeting up would be good, after all I need to have breaks and more social life if not soon enough, I will lose all my friends and much needed company. Meeting up during the weekends would be ideal, because then I'd get to spend at least some time away from my boyfriend.
3. I need to save more money! No more Starbucks or CBTL, except for maybe once a month, no more cabbing, no more fine dining - only food from food courts, no more movies on weekends, no more shopping!
4. I need to be a better girlfriend. I need to be more compromising, allow him to have his own space and time to do his hobbies which I'm not really keen on, or rather, I   don't even know how to play the sport and games. I also need to be more understanding and patient, and raise my voice less, and stop being too sensitive and petty, and giving in to him more. I need to learn to be more independent too. Remember the happy stuff instead of only the sad ones. And be more secure and less jealous and have more self-confidence, and believe in the fact that he loves me. Have faith.

Speaking of which, I believe I have found my soul mate. Henry. We met in university. We've been going out for one year now. I doubt I'll ever feel as comfortable around anyone else as I do around him. We do have disagreements, but the both of us are still happy. As they say, share the similarities, celebrate the differences. I don't fully agree when people say opposites attract; while that may be true, I believe couples must have some platform of similarities for them to come together in the first place. I doubt I will ever find anyone who will ever love me as much as he does, and I'm really thankful for having met such a wonderful person. He has his flaws, and has made some serious mistakes, but I'm willing to look past that and forgive him, because I believe I love him too much to let him go over one mistake. What is the point if breaking up will just end up in both of us being upset? Isn't the point of a break up is so one party will be happier without the other, despite the latter being hurt in the process? He deserves a second chance. I have faith in him.

School has been alright so far, the first week of school and I already feel the pressure. I have got to buck up this semester to maintain my grades; it slipped quite a fair bit last semester. Need to put in more effort for my Bahasa Indonesia, I have read the novel, and it's somewhat like literature. Hmm. Oh well, there's no turning back now. I can only move forward! Press on, stay strong!

"Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even."

Just want to cry all the fucking time. Never felt so weak and vulnerable. Just rip my heart out already, cos it fucking hurts. No point in continuing when there isn't any future to look forward to. Why can't you just let me get used to life without you, so when you leave at least I'll be able to survive.

I'm learning to love myself, because I'm all that I have.

Fuck this shit.